I recently turned 21 years old. My parents got me a watch, the old-fashioned kind that ticks and tocks. As I admired the leather band on my wrist I came to the realization that my biological clock was also ticking. I love babies. I want one, but I’ve also been single for the past 21 years. So, on my birthday I decided that I was going to change my life. I was going to date, because dating leads to relationships, which leads to marriage, which leads to BABIES.
Long story short, I downloaded Tinder…again. I went on date with a guy; we’ll call him Dan. He was nice. We went on a second date, he was still nice. And then we had a third “date”…
I was nervous about this third date because he asked me to come hang out at his apartment. I was super clear about my expectations:
“Sure, but just to make sure that we’re on the same page, I want to take things slow and I’m not going to sleep with you,” I told him over text.
“Haha don’t worry, I already picked up on that vibe,” he replied.
So, I gave my dad his address, and headed over. It wasn’t long before Dan dimmed the lights and dove in for the kill. Not a classy move on his part, but I’d never been kissed before and I kind of just wanted to get it over with.
He lightly lapped his tongue in and out (around?) my mouth. I tried to participate but I increasingly felt like I was just getting in the way. Kissing was not at all how I had imagined it. Did my trashy romance novels lie to me?
The minutes ticked by, reminders of my withering biological clock. His hands started to roam. I opened my eyes. Panting, he broke off the kiss to move to my neck. Even in the dim lighting I could see that he was extremely flushed.
I took stock; I was less turned on than I am in my neutral state.
Finally, he broke away.
“You have a nice butt.” He announced.
“You never show it off though. Like you don’t dress like most of the girls that I go out with. They all wear leggings, and push-up bras and mesh tops.”
“Yeah, I don’t dress like that.” I agreed.
“Yeah, I got that vibe.” he replied, leaning in to kiss me again. He clambered on top of me, shoving his tongue in my mouth. I tried to lap back, seriously puzzled by this kissing thing. He once more ran his hands over me, but this time he added dry humping my leg for good measure. It was definitely too intense for my first kiss but I also didn’t stop him. I was waiting to feel something, anything. Mostly, I was starting to feel like a doll.
After a while, he rolled off of me, looking slightly frustrated. We sat in silence.
“Can I ask you a question?” he said, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“Are you a virgin?”
“Yeah, you give off that vibe” He paused, “It’s cool though, so am I.”
“That’s cool too” I answered. He didn’t give off that vibe, but I’m not one to judge.
“I’m not actually a virgin” he amended.
There was another silence. “It’s the first time that I’ve kissed someone” I said, feeling the need to explain my shitty kissing skills.
“Really?” he was surprised.
Maybe the problem wasn’t with me after all… I should have kept my mouth shut.
“Huh…you had your first kiss at 21?” He seemed to ponder this.
“Apparently,” I said. My biological clock gave a sad tick.
“Huh…well I’m honored…I guess? I’ve never been anyone’s first anything. Why’d you wait?”
“Because all the other guys who tried to kiss me were repulsive assholes.” I said, honestly. It really wasn’t an honor. If anything, it boiled down to convenience. 15 minutes ago, he really did seem like the best kissing option. Unfortunately, things never work out how you expect them to.
“So, what are your views on sex then?” he asked.
“I want to be in a solid relationship with someone before having sex with them.”
“Are you afraid of sex? Because, well, I don’t know if it’s like this for you, but for me I was scared for my first time because I was afraid that I would, like do sex wrong.” He paused in his monologue before continuing, “This is probably bad timing, but I think that we might be looking for different things…Like I’m not really looking for a relationship…and you give off the vibe that you’re looking to settle down” he announced.
I felt…immense relief. Any attraction that I had felt towards him had fizzled out during our make-out session. I positively beamed. “That is totally fair!” I said.
“But like, if I waited to tell you, we could have had fun for a few weeks during the in between phase.”
“I actually prefer people being upfront with me, so I appreciate you telling me now.”
He changed tactics, not at all pleased with my cheery demeanor.
“You give off kind of an unsexual vibe”
“Wow, you’re so good at picking up vibes!” I said, laughing.
He was silent, staring off into space. I scooped up my phone to look up bus schedules, deciding that it was time to start planning my escape.
“You know,” he finally said, “You’re never gonna have children at this rate with the amount of sexual action you’re getting.” He seemed genuinely upset.
I decided that I should probably say something comforting: “Oh don’t worry! There’s always turkey basters and sperm banks.”